Paper Cut by Henri Igna

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  • Uploaded 3 years ago in the category Paper Cutting Video Tutorials

    Written and performed by Henri Igna of Words Anonymous at Conspiracy Garden Cafe during Support.

    Don't Punish 2016: A night of honest conversations about drugs, without fear or judgment—bringing together musicians, poets, and people with stories to share, in a space that's safe, judgment-free, and fun!

    Check them out here
    Henri Igna: http://www.iarthenri.com/
    Words Anonymous: https://www.facebook.com/WordsAnonymous/

    A friend asked me before if I was sad, and I said "yes"
    Because for me, sadness is simple.
    Sadness is waking up 10 minutes before your alarm clock sets.
    Sadness is pending buffet dates but all you have are empty pockets
    Sadness is Chicken Joy, no available thigh part, are you willing to wait
    Sadness is the awkward silence at the dinner table because they said I gained weight
    And I couldn't say anything because I was busy holding my breath to prove them they were wrong
    But when someone asked me if I was lonely, I said "no, I'm not lonely"
    And I've always wondered what the difference of loneliness and sadness is.

    And I realized they're almost just the same.
    Except that loneliness is that weird kind of sadness that doesn't hurt as much
    But it pokes you every now and then to remind you it still exists.

    And I feel it, existing, breathing, trying to claw itself out of my chest with its calloused fingers at 2 in the morning
    When everyone else's fast asleep and the silence makes it easier to hear all the whispers, and I swore,
    I never wanted any of this.
    I never wanted to drown in all of my paper cut loneliness.

    So I've tried.
    God knows I've tried, writing all of it down on paper
    But the margin scribbles drew a picture of a time when I could have been better
    I erased them when I was sober
    I've tried, taming my own monsters
    Hid them under the bed when I go out with my friends for dinner
    And I go home, discover that /they/ have grown a few inches longer
    I have tried eating more than I can handle, to make me forget all my hollows empty
    But I can never satisfy their hunger
    For self-pity at every glance at the mirror.

    For hours locked up inside the room.

    For tears reluctantly shed whenever I hear this song over the radio.
    Call this a rodeo, my fake-smile lasso trying to capture all my broken before they get loose.
    I don't want to lose control.
    Or maybe I do.

    Maybe, the only thing I wanted is to stay out of the dark
    To keep the silence at bay
    To hush all the voices that try to reach at my throat
    So I tried rattling every nail in my body with these
    My friends gave me these, no, these are my friends
    I want you to meet them:
    Cocaine, crystal meth, mary jane, big O, cadillac express
    And oh, they make me feel so beautiful
    I no longer hear the voices except for my own laughter echoing from all my empty
    I'm on top of the world, this is my penthouse
    I am happy, a few minutes before this
    I am happy, two hours ago
    I am happy, last night
    And it starts to go down, down, the elevator's going down
    T-minus zero seconds, crash!
    Welcome to the ground floor, you are back from the start

    The crash has always been the worst part
    The wreckage I find myself in every morning after
    But there aren't any lovers, only I
    Woke up, back at the beginning
    When every waking hour is an attempt to escape my linen coffin
    As if the whole world looms before you
    I tried.

    Again.
    They said applying pressure can stop the bleeding
    So I tried hugging my pillows tight at night to keep the wounds from opening
    But these, these paper cuts on my fragile being, they never bled, but it doesn't make them easier to ignore

    I've always wondered what the difference of loneliness and sadness is
    And I realized, they're almost just the same
    Except that loneliness is that weird kind of sadness that doesn't hurt as much so we tend to ignore it
    But the moment it does hurt, it's too late to notice it
    Unless someone else does

    Last night, my mom asked me if I was lonely
    And I said "maybe"
    Maybe, her question is the only thing I needed to keep me from breaking
    Mom, I promise, I won't stop trying

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